• An intact Fondness and Admiration System, in which the couple is affectionate and clear about the things they value and admire in the other. Remember Oprah's idea of a "thankfulness log," or a daily list of things you appreciate and are thankful for? This is how it helps marriages.
  
• Love Maps or a good knowledge of the partner's world (work, family, self) and showing an interest in it during non-conflict times. Have you ever seen those marriage quizzes that ask things like, "True or False: I know what my partner wants to be doing in five years" or, "True or False: I know my partner's most painful childhood memory"? These are the kinds of things that people know about their partners when they have well-defined Love Maps. Copied from the web.
  
• Conflict is marked by
  

• Softened Startups, or tactful ways to bring up a problem,
  

• soothed Physiology during the argument so no one gets "emotionally overheated,"
  

• Acceptance of Influence, so partners (typically men) can accept the desires and wishes of their partners (typically women),
  

• Repair Attempts or efforts to make up by using humor or conceding a point (there's about one effort every three minutes for most couples),
  

• De-escalation of hot emotions and efforts to compromise
  

• Bids for Affection or efforts to connect through a shared joke, a quick kiss, or a quiet smile that is returned
  
• Gridlock on problem issues is avoided by finding the underlying reason for the conflict and finding a way to meet both partner's needs

Negative Sentiment Override - NSO
Negative comments and behaviors just about equal positive ones, with five or fewer positive comments for every negative one. However, couples showing about one positive for one negative comment are on the path to divorce. This means that there is a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist, and may cause the couple to "rewrite" their history together. Ask them what drew them together in the first place, and listen for a negative emotional tone to see this.

You can not confront NSO directly; rather, you have to build the infrastructure for PSO first, and slowly shift the couple to building it further. NSO is based on a few basic processes that spiral out of control:

• Conflict shows a pattern of Demand change and Withdraw from the discussion; Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA) is high especially during arguments, with elevated heart rate, perspiration, and pulse
  
• Women are more likely to begin with Harsh Startups, while men are more likely to become Flooded and Stonewall, and to rehearse stress-inducing thoughts. Some (such as Rampage) criticize Gottman for not realizing that gender differences in most relationships make women less powerful, and thus more likely to begin an argument more harshly as a way to communicate "I can't take it any more"; however, such criticisms often ignore why gender differences that leave men feeling they have to "Buckle down and take it" when arguments become emotionally overwhelming or even abusive to them
  
• This leads to Gridlock, which may be resolved in one of two ways: Disengagement, which spells a slower divorce that ends at 12+ years, or a high conflict period marked by the 4 Horsemen, which spells a faster divorce in 5-7 years

• Move Gridlock to Dialogue - sure, you want to solve some problems, and so teaching the couple to use basic compromising skills, avoiding crazy buttons that instantly escalate the argument ("You are just like your mother!"), and using video review of the couples' arguments in the office are all important. However, since over 60% of marital problems are not solved, but managed, you want to start them talking about ways to manage these issues in the future, just like you manage a chronic illness like diabetes. The conflict is not about the topic they are discussing; rather, the real problem is some underlying or symbolic meaning, tied to a dream or fantasy of their future, that they feel they simply can not compromise on without invalidating their dreams.
  
  
• Teach recovery after a fight - sure, you would prefer they avoid nasty fights, but Gottman has found in his research that fighting in and of itself is not the problem. In fact, couples who do not fight at all are more likely to end up divorced. You may not be able to teach them to avoid fighting anyway, and reflective listening skills ("What I hear you saying is...") likely won't help since no one uses them in a fight. Instead, the best bet is to teach them how to recover after a fight.
  
  
• Teach six basic social skills
  • recognizing (and avoiding) the 4 Horsemen
    
  • softening startups
    
  • accepting influence (especially for men)
    
  • soothing physiological arousal (relaxation techniques can help partners calm down during heated arguments, but once they are upset, it may take over 20 minutes for the body to slow itself down to calm levels)
    
  • recognizing (and responding to) repair attempts
    
  • compromise Copied from the web.
  
  
• Effective repair is easier to accomplish when there are Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other. This means decreasing negativity during and after fights, as negativity is the best predictor of divorce over six years (85% accuracy), and effective repair skills increases prediction accuracy (97% accuracy), as among even highly negative newlyweds, 85% of those who effectively repair stay happily married.
  
  
• Fade out the therapist - Gottman starts with 90 minute sessions, then eventually moves to once every two weeks, then month, and finally to "therapy checkups" to help the couple function on their own without the therapist, and avoid relapsing into previous problems.