Marriage and Divorce
Richard Niolon, Ph.D. 02/05

Separation and Divorce

We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk,
but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise. Raquel Welch

First, a few stats:

• About half of couples in their 20's cohabitate before marriage - that makes for 11 million cohabitators in the US today (see http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/cohabitation.html)

• Cohabitation increases risk for divorce in first marriages but not in remarriages

• 40% of first marriages end in divorce; about 40% of marriages are second marriages, which are more likely to end in divorce (40% within 5 years), and so averaging first and second and third... marriages together leads to the well-known 50% figure

• while Europe has had increasing, but still lower rates of marriage and divorce compared to the US, most children there are born into cohabitating unions as opposed to 25-50% of US children born outside of marriage Copied from the web.

Separation and divorce are powerful issues, often because we as therapists have powerful feelings about them, and because couples come to us feeling their life is on hold. Either we will help them put it back together, or we will watch it crumble and fall around them. Emery and Sbarra suggest seven questions the therapist should ask themselves in order to know "where they stand" on marriage and divorce. While this wouldn't be shared with the couple, if there are value statements that guide your work, you should be clear about them. If your goal is to "save the marriage," "maximize the individual happiness," or "foster communication,".... say so explicitly, however, so everyone is on the same page.

An assessment phase at the outset of therapy becomes more important when there is the possibility of separation or divorce. As Gottman noted, it should include conjoint and individual interviews. Gottman includes questionnaires that assess both how unhappy each partner is, as well as how much thought each partner has put into leaving.

Assessment of any "hidden agenda" by either partner is key in the case outcome; agendas may include:

• "I tried my best but we just couldn't work it out" - in order to leave the relationship with a clean conscience

• "S/He is your responsibility now" - in order to leave the relationship without feeling guilty for the harm done to the partner

• "Save the marriage at any cost" - in order to avoid loneliness or depression, you chain the partner to you despite the affair

• "One of us is going to run home crying and it's not going to be me" - in order to leave the relationship feeling the "bad partner" was exposed and punished

• "One of us is totally to blame for the failure of this marriage, and it's not me" - in order to leave the relationship with a clean conscience

Assessment also includes whether there is any spoken or unspoken threat one partner will leave, any significant risk for violence, the level of emotional and financial dependency between the partners, and, some would argue, the likely response of any involved children, as they are the ones most impacted by the decision and least likely to be included in on it.

The discussion of the decision to separate is routinely anxiety provoking, painful, and a power struggle. There is most often "the leaver" who feel justified in ending a dead relationship in order to end their suffering, and "the left" who feels shocked things are as bad as they suddenly appear to be, and desperate to save the relationship and their life. Some idealization and denigration may be going on too, making each partner's report extreme.

Emery and Sbarra offer four pieces of advice to "the leaver." First, take responsibility for the decision to leave. While I haven't called it this (but I like it), I have been clear that therapy is not going to make one person accept and approve of the other's decision to end the relationship, and facing up to that is likely going to be required before they can leave. Copied from the web.

Second, expect to feel uncertain, but once you have made the decision to stay or go, act with certainty. Your partner, "the left" will look for any sign that you are changing your mind, and giving mixed signals is only cruel, or "pulling the Band-Aid off slowly."

Third, give "the left" time to handle the announcement you are leaving. You had a lot of time to come to this decision, and need to allow for the same amount of time for the partner to face it too. For example, asking how they want to handle it can help. Should you spend a lot of time away from home or would they prefer to do that? Should you move out, or move to the guest bedroom or couch, or would they prefer to do that? Fourth, be honest. Whether you are leaving because the intimacy is dead, there is someone else you love, you realize you are gay, or you can't pursue your dreams without leaving... tell the truth.

Emery and Sbarra also tackle the "staying together for the children" argument that people like Wallerstein, and Waite and Gallagher have tackled. The research seems to show that if the couple is involved in a negative, conflicted, and angry marriage, or, in the disengaged, cold, and silently hateful marriage, then the children would be better off without the marriage. On the other hand, if they are in a not-so-rewarding but not-so-miserable marriage, the children might be better off if they stay married. Waite and Gallagher offer that five years later, a majority of couples look back and say that deciding to divorce at this time would have been a mistake, as the marriage went on to improve during that five year period. If they do delay separation "for the children," Emery and Sbarra advocate taking responsibility for the decision, and not placing it on the children ("we stayed married for you") and trying to turn a failed marriage into martyr status.

Wallerstein in her books talks about the incredible pain parents cause during this time, and the almost complete failure of parents to prepare the children for the divorce. If parents do decide to end it now, here's some suggestions for how to tell the children:

• don't tell until you are sure

• tell the children together with a united front and united story - dumping this dirty job on your soon-to-be-ex is likely to come back to haunt you

• tell a story and give an explanation that is developmentally appropriate for the children, avoids blame, and allows for questions

• be prepared to answer something you don't want to answer, to deal with a range of emotions from tears to rage; if you shirk from facing their emotions now, you tell them that they can expect you to be unable to deal with their feelings later

• be prepared to repeat it all again later, as the decision is a complete shock to them, and as they may need to hear it again and again to know that you mean what you said

• practice it if need be and do it with a relative if need be to make sure you avoid blaming, conflict, and overwhelming the children

• tell all the children at once, then leave time for them to question you together as well as separately

• share feelings with the children that will validate their emotions, but do not share feelings that will flood and overwhelm the children

• be specific and concrete about what the children can expect in a way that is developmentally appropriate

• verify the parents will stop being spouses, but will still be parents, and so the divorce is not a divorce from the children

• and on this last one... you should mean it

Likewise, asking the children to choose a parent to live with, or worse, trying to convince the children that you are the better parent for them to live with is emotionally harmful for the child, and likely to come back against the parent. About 90% of parents can divorce and handle it with the court's help, but the other 10% are the acrimonious divorces, the ones who fight for years, second mortgage the house, deplete their savings.... all to "win" against the ex... I saw one case that tugged on a four year old child for three years, meaning that her early relationship and attachment experiences are interwoven with bitterness, pressure to take sides, and manipulation. What are the child's chances for a smooth adolescence and a happy adult relationship???

Next, Emery and Sbarra advocate some education about divorce. Some things to highlight are:

• divorce is stressful for children for at least two years, and financial quality of life changes, loss of parental savings, changes to day-to-day routines, differential access to schools and friends, courtroom custody battles... are a significant piece of what makes this stressful Copied from the web.

• divorce doubles the risk for depression and anxiety, dropping out of school, and teen pregnancy, and increases the risk for drug and alcohol involvement

• your divorce increases the chances that your children will divorce as well (see http://www.psychpage.com/family/divorce/amato_booth.html)

• resiliency (which is not the same as immunity) is the norm, but still a costly process for children as they grow up, and some of the problems they deal with are the result of the unhappy marriage and home before the divorce

• quality of parenting suffers greatly, as does the parent child relationship

• while this improves over time, it may never "return to normal" since the family will never "return to normal".... issues over whose home to go to for holidays, who will pay for future education and will they still be able to get the same education they had previously been likely to get, will both parents "behave" at graduation... continue. Wallerstein says some adult children of divorce are quite clear they will not be taking care of their elderly divorced parents when they grow old, partly as a result of the pain they caused their children, and partly as a result of the educational, career, and emotional costs they caused their children that make them less able to afford such care financially, or less able to afford the changes in their lives this would take.

There are also programs for divorcing parents, mediations services, group experiences for children... all of which are available and few of which have data to support they work. Some seem to make parents happier without impacting children's mental health, some seem to help children's distress without changing problematic behaviors.

For more information, see Emery, R. E., & Sbarra, D. A., Addressing separation and divorce during and after couples therapy. In Alan S. Gurman and Neil S. Jacobson (eds), Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy (3rd Edition) 2002. New York: Guildford Press.