Protecting Children On-Line

Teaching your children to use the Web isn't easy.

The Web offers your child vast amounts of information. However, it doesn't offer you a way to determine your child's readiness for that information. For adults, it redefines many issues, forcing us to change our way of thinking. However, for children, it doesn't change anything. For children, it defines and shapes the way they think from the start.

How does the internet affect our children? In 1997, 66% of children used computers at homes, schools, and libraries. By the year 2000, the average child spent 100 fewer hours watching TV each year to go online. The On-Line world is an active place, compared to television, which is passive. Children play, learn, communicate, make friends, and shop on-line. They will grow into adults who do the same.

Already we use our computers to "telecommute" and consult from home offices, changing the way we work and conceptualize our careers. Many software programs provide "push" technology by collecting information individually tailored to our needs, and "pushing" it to us on a schedule. This changes the way we think about "researching" issues. The Web has altered our ideas of conducting business, and redefined consumer marketing and spending. The On-Line world has introduced new concepts (like "cyberdating", "myspace", and "virtual crime") and confronted us with the role that others' opinions and views will play in our own moral belief systems. You may feel that you walk a fine line between protecting your children, and inspiring young adults.

On top of all this, you may be making decisions about technology you don't understand very well. One thing that makes the Dilbert comic strips so funny is that the "pointy-haired boss" doesn't understand the technology in his office. We often laugh at people who are "computer illiterate" and who need things "dumbed down" for them. Secretly, we all fear being one of those people one day. Face it - if you sit with your child at a computer, you will teach your child something, and learn something from your child. This changes the nature of the parent-child relationship in some ways, creating a cultural and generational clash that most parents find disturbing but most kids find natural.

You might be tempted to just throw your hands up and let your kids "run loose" on the Web. You might tell yourself "I don't understand it, so what help could I be?" or even, "I'd look stupid, and who wants to look (even more) stupid to their teenager?" However, you must remember that even if you don't understand the technology, you have something your children don't. You have experience thinking, experience critically weighing "facts" others give you against your own experience. You have experience making moral decisions, experience considering the basis for and consequences of your beliefs. Frankly, this is the most valuable thing you can give your children.

Here are some ideas to guide you in making decisions about your children and the Web. This article isn't meant to be exhaustive, and it shouldn't replace your own judgment. This is meant to help you consider issues and decide how you wish to proceed.

Younger Children

Children under 10 shouldn't be allowed to use the Web by themselves. Letting your children "loose" on the Web is no different than letting them wander freely through an unknown neighborhood. Children at this age are not smart enough or mature enough to weigh the information available to them, much less resist many of the marketing ploys and reject the "undesirables" they can meet on-line. Spending time with your child looking through the Web is the only way to teach your child how to handle the flood of stimulation, and how to develop their own belief system to prepare them for the future.
Undesired Pages: Talk to children about what they shouldn't see on-line and why. Statements like "This Web page seems to have grown-up stuff on it, so no kids allowed," or "Children shouldn't see this kind of stuff because it's confusing. When you get older, you'll understand it" or "This page has people doing things we don't like."
This covers everything from an X-Rated adult site, to a "fun" site with a flaming toaster. After Dave Barry wrote a column about Poptarts being flammable, several people tried to see just how easy it is to set fire to electrical appliances, posting pictures of their "experiments." Personally, I thought it was funny, but if your 10 year old child tries this at home, you might not.
Desired Pages: Direct your child's attention to pages with favorite book or TV characters, and educational themes like special pets or hobbies. In other words, teach them fun ways to use the Web. Remember too that the things they find will make it "fun," but spending time with you and showing you what they can do is also fun. Praise your child's curiosity. The Web offers them the ability to make decisions about what they want to know, seek all sorts of new information, weigh what they find, and look again for more. Praise your child's desire to learn.
Chat Rooms: Children enjoy going to chat rooms and talking with other children. Parents sometimes worry that their children will fail to develop social skills. This is unlikely, since talking on-line is much like talking on the phone, but with a new possibility added. On-line your child can be something new and different, and try on a new identity. No one will judge them on their looks, their clothes, or their "kewlness." They can be smart, pretty, older, younger, or anything else they want. If they offend someone in a chat room, they can leave, reenter with a new identity, and try the same social interaction again. Real life doesn't allow for "practice," but on-line beginning relationships do.
For younger children, it may be hard to understand that some of the people in chat rooms aren't who they say they are. They may be children playing pranks or trying on a new identity, or they may be adults attempting to manipulate children. Talk to your child about what goes on and what they think. Explain, "Pretending to be someone you aren't just for fun is OK, but pretending so you can trick other people isn't nice." That's enough for a 10 year old child.
You can allow your children to go to chat rooms and talk to other children if you "listen" along. There are many safe places to chat on-line (see the list at the end of the article). Watch the conversation topics, the social interactions, and the problems and solutions presented. This doesn't have to be a "Big Brother" experience; use this time to learn about your children's friends, who they would like to be and why, the things they like to talk about, and the questions they want answered. Share their excitement. Offer suggestions on friendships and communication. Teach them to be thoughtful and considerate in on-line relationships just like in real life relationships.
Rules for Use: Now is a good time to start setting up some basic computer rules.
- One might be "No food or drink at the computer," since one spilled soda can trash a keyboard.
- If you have a computer at home for work or a home office, set hours of the day when the computer is available for play and hours when it is off limits.
- For large families, both parents and children should go online together. Let mom and son spend 30 minutes on-line tonight, while dad and the other kids play together at something else. Tomorrow night, switch kids and parents.
- Ultimately, you need to teach from an early age that on-line access is a privilege that comes with rules and responsibilities. Kids don't use it by themselves without adult supervision.

For Children 10-12

This time is a good time to start allowing some freedom. It is important to keep in mind that you should start slow, and relax as your child shows they can follow your rules. Rules should be clear. Consequences for breaking rules should be stated explicitly. When your child does break rules, the consequences should be closely followed.
A child at this age could be started with 30 minutes per week to go on-line on their own if an adult is home, and an hour per week with an adult with them. Explain in advance that getting on-line at other times could mean losing all Web privileges for a week. These kinds of rules can be spelled out in an Acceptable Usage Agreement. Have both parents and kids discuss it, agree to it, and sign it. Any changes can be discussed freely, but no changes unless both parties agree. Ultimately, the point of this is to teach the children about responsibility, honesty, and open discussion with their parents.
Chat Rooms: Talk to your children about dishonest people on-line. Other kids will ask for your "stats" and your child may respond with their first name, age, city where they live, and some physical characteristic like brown hair or blue eyes. For children, this helps them form mental pictures of other people in their heads and helps them keep names and personalities straight.
Explain, however, that sometimes people want to get personal information about you in order to sell and send you things you don't want, obtain other information about you without your permission, or even find out where you live so they can rob your home or hurt you. For these reasons, children can't give out personal information without their parents' permission.
Put up a list next to the computer of "Things We Don't Tell People On-Line" and include things like "my full name," "mom and dads' full names," as well as the family's address, phone number, and account password.
Talk too about other questions from strangers. Asking for too many details about what your child looks like, times you are not home, and which way your child walks home from school are not acceptable questions. Tell your child, "If someone starts asking these kinds of questions, come get me. I'll see if it is OK to talk to them."
If someone on-line starts asking these kinds of questions of your child, ask your child how he or she feels. Offer something like, "It makes me a little scared that they want to know when you are home alone. Let's not talk to them anymore" or even "they sure seem to want to know abut us, but don't tell us much about themselves." If you have scanned pictures of your children, make clear that these pictures shouldn't be given out either without your permission. You might explain, "I know he sent you his picture, but we don't give out pictures to anyone unless we know them."
Passwords: Some services allow you to log on without having to enter your password every time. You might change the password, and then set up the account so that children don't need to know it. On the one hand, they can't be tricked into revealing the password this way. On the other hand, they can sign on anytime, even when you aren't home.
Let your children know that passwords should not be revealed on-line. Explain, "If someone got our password, they could go online pretending to be us. They could do or say bad things, keep us from going on-line, or even charge things to our credit card." Also, don't let them use the family's password from someone else's computer.
Desired Pages: Make a list of "safe sites" and add them to a Favorites Folder for your child. Explain that during their unsupervised time on the Web, they may go only to sites in that folder. Teach your child new ways to use the Web. Vacation sites can be picked, games that the family will purchase can be reviewed, and school reports can be researched on-line. The point is to teach that the Web can be educational.
There are many easy to use Web page publishers out there as well. A simple Web page could be a family project. Go to the library or search the Web to learn about a new pet the first weekend. You and your children could draw out a page the second weekend, and make a "Max the SuperTurtle" Web page, with tips on taking care of turtles, the third weekend.
Undesired Pages: Although it may feel like "spying" on your child, checking the History folder can easily tell your where your child has been on-line. In Internet Explorer, select the History Icon. It looks like a little sundial. It will list all the Web sites anyone using your computer has gone to in the last week, alphabetically broken down by day. Netscape has a location list, but it doesn't include all the sites seen.

Children age 12 to 15

Continue to establish rules for your children, such as allowing them to go on-line only after their homework is done, or requiring them to be off the computer by 9PM. Continue giving children more privileges as they earn them. Make additional privileges, such as more time on-line, unsupervised time on-line, and even their own email account contingent upon acceptable Web use and following all rules.
Undesired Pages: You should talk to children about what they see on-line. Discuss the pages they visit, what they like and don't like about them, and share what you like and don't like and why. Explaining, "This page says a lot of mean things about people, and I don't like that," or "I think the people that made this page just want to sell me something." Don't just offer criticism though; at other pages offer, "This page seems to have a lot of things I like to read about" or "This page made me realize why you like this singer/band."
Desired Pages: Help your child find things like sports team pages, weather, vacation sites, homework help pages, fashion sites, or even pages listing car sales. Such activities can motivate teens to save money and maintain good grades, as well as give you a chance to help your teen set priorities and financial goals.
Email: Offering an email account can be a way to reward your child, but you should still screen your child's email. Screen frequently at first, and then less often as time goes by. Explain, "Sometimes adults send email to children about adult topics, like sex, bad language, making money, or credit cards. I just want to make sure you don't get these kinds of mail messages."

Teens 16 and Up

Testing limits, exerting some independence, and finding out about the adult world is part of what being a teen is all about. Using the Web to find out about the adult world is to be expected. Limits and rules about the Web are just as important as limits and rules about the car, curfews, and their choice of friends.
Desired Pages: Don't be afraid to talk openly about things like alcohol, teenage sex, and drugs. You won't "put ideas into their head" by raising topics and offering facts and values to guide them. This is a chance for you to explain to them your own values, highlight some of the consequences of their actions (such as driving drunk or teen pregnancy), and share some of your own experiences with them.
Use the Web to visit sites about drunk driving, teenage HIV, and even teen chat boards. Many sights like these show sobering pictures, provide statistics and facts, and expose teens to campaigns aimed at keeping them safe. Your teen may not want to do this with you. However, make such things as a later curfew contingent upon these kinds of open and frank discussions.
Undesired Pages: Teens have been known to visit pornography sites, order alcohol, and even arrange to buy drugs on-line. Blocking your teen from certain Web sites may not prevent them from getting email with a link to a Web site embedded in the message, or from getting an email with a pornographic picture attached.
Guiding teens through this age of curiosity, increased hormones, and sexual stimulation in the media and schools requires setting clear expectations and values beforehand. The time you spend with your 12 year old son using the Web responsibly can save you a lot of headache later. Realize too that a teen can stumble into a site about sex, drugs, or hate without realizing it. Some flexibility on your part is required. However, repeated visits are a matter for serious concern.
When teens go to undesired places, ask them why. Be willing to listen to their reasons and to discuss why you object. This is the perfect time to bring up "value discussions," both yours and theirs, and to discuss the consequences of different beliefs.
Explaining your reasons for disliking something isn't a challenge to your authority; it's a way you let your teen benefit from your experience. If you feel the rules weren't intentionally broken or that this is an exception, make an exception this once. However, if you think this is a clear violation of the rules, enforce the consequences you announced before.

Who is Helped? Who is Hurt?

When your child goes to Web pages you object to, talk about it. Ask their reasons for going there and what they wanted to know. Listen. Then share your reasons for objecting.
A good model to follow is the "Who is helped, who is hurt?" Who is helped by seeing this page, these pictures, those views and opinions? Who is hurt? A good example is the flaming toaster. "Who is helped? Well, some adults might find it funny, but they know better than to do it themselves. Who is hurt? Kids who try it themselves and get burned or burn down their homes. As a result, no flaming toasters on our computer." It sounds a bit corny, I know, but it lays the foundation for the bigger questions down the road.
I had a client whose step-daughter had received an email from a classmate with a naked picture of Brad Pitt. While the girl was rather excited about it, my client started asking questions. How do you think they were able to take this picture? Who do you think took it? Did Brad know this was being taken? Did he know people would send it around the internet? What if your brother did the same thing - took a picture of you naked and sent it around to all his friends?… It was the last one that helped her see some of "Who is helped?" and "Who is harmed?"