Richard Niolon, Ph.D.
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Exercises for Couples: What did you get from your family?

For many couples, arguments are especially hard to resolve because of the things they learned from their family about arguing and resolving disagreements. Some learned to get very angry quickly and then get over it quickly. Others learned that yelling is a sign that things are very serious. Others learned very little about expressing themselves when they disagreed, and find they aren't sure what to say or do when they partner with someone.

Below are some questions you and your partner should ask each other. Your own answers will, of course, seem obvious to you, but they may reveal things about you that your partner didn't know. That's why asking them of each other and listening is very important.

Conflict
	In your family, was is it OK to argue when you were angry? Could your mother do this? Your father? How did you let someone know you were angry? How did your mother do it? Your father? How did they respond when you were mad? What was good and bad about their responses? When your parents had an argument, how did you know? What did you do (e.g., got involved, stayed out of sight, left the home)? What do you wish had been different? What was the biggest thing your family argued about? Did fights ever get "out of hand" (e.g., throwing things, getting children to take sides, threatening others, enacting violence...)? Copied from the web.
Closeness
	How did people in your family show their love for each other (e.g., they were physically affectionate, verbally expressive, or not expressive)? Do you wish it had been different and how so? How did people handle loss and grief? Stressors such as unemployment or illness? Do you handle these issues in the same way?
Problems
	Were there problems in your family such as alcohol or drug abuse, violence, and mental illness? How was this handled? What kind of roles did you take in this (e.g., caretaker, peacemaker, problem-child, little adult, protector...)?
Strengths
	What strengths did your family show? How creative, flexible, determined, knowledgeable, etc... would you say your family was? What were your family's "values" when you were growing up? For example, a strong religious belief, work ethic, dedication to helping others, loyalty to the family unit... might be strengths your family showed. Copied from the web.

After discussing this, ask your partner what they learned about you, and tell them what you learned about them.

After discussing this, identify potential problems. Some couples say one came from a "loud" family and one from a "quiet" family, and so talking through a disagreement is hard. Others say that one came from a family of violence, and so heated debates are scary for one even if violence has not happened between them. Others say both came from a family that avoided disagreements, so even talking about tough issues is hard.

Of course, the next thing is to discuss ways to make discussion easier for the two of you. Make rules and guidelines that would help each feel safer and more in control during a discussion. Make decisions about the kinds of values you grew up with that you both want to keep and both want to reject. Discuss how to bring up disagreements, how to close them, and how to compromise. This takes time though, and trial-and-error, as some proposed ideas will not work after you try them. But, living and loving together is a growing and learning processes.

Write down what you learn about each other, and review it occasionally. Keeping a written record of your own values for you and your partner, and occasionally checking your actions against them, is also helpful.