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Based on some of the questions we've had at Psychpage, we're putting this list of
suggestions together for couples who want to develop better communication skills.
First, it's important to realize that conflict is normal. Everyone has strong feelings about
some things, and your partner can't be expected to know what's really important to you
from the day you meet. Further, all couples argue over issues like money, in-laws, and
sex. These are the top three issues, in fact, that couples disagree on. The whole reason
those Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus are so popular is that men and
women communicate in different ways. However, men and women from different families
communicate in even more varied ways. Copied from the web.
Second, conflict can be very productive if it leads to resolution, but harmful if it leads to
continued resentment. Conflict sometimes lets us know what's really important to our
partners, and hopefully why. Resolving conflict is one of the ways that you and your
partner reveal your strengths, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities to each other. If you fight
wisely, you learn to rely on each others' strengths, compensate for your weaknesses, and
protect your vulnerabilities. Thus, you can't learn "not to disagree" since that is
impossible. You can, however, learn how to fight productively.
With that in mind, we offer these tips.
Six Tips to Have Better Fights
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Set a Timer |
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Some issues are "hot" topics, and require some extra time to handle. Be
willing to set a kitchen timer. Each of you gets five minutes to state your
thoughts and feelings on the issue, while the other one listens. Then you
switch. This listening time isn't the time to think up your comebacks;
rather, this is really listening to understand how the other person feels.
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Don't Expect Your Partner to be a Mind Reader |
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Listening and understanding are skills. Practice reflective listening and calmly begin the discussion, starting your part of the conversation with a restatement of what you understood the other person to blieve, then ask if this is right. This isn't a "trick" to use against
them; this is a genuine effort to make sure you understood the key issues,
feelings, and thoughts they have. Often, you'll find that disagreements
can't be solved because two people are literally talking about two different
things and didn't realize it.
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Remember What You Learned in Kindergarten |
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Talking is a skill too. Don't yell, don't use profanity, don't call the other
person names... Yes, this is what your mother told you but it is just as
true with other children as it is with ones you love. Likewise, don't expect
to make any progress if you talk over your partner, interrupt them, or
dismiss their ideas and concerns as "stupid." Copied from the web.
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Forget "Never Go To Bed Angry" |
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Some issues need to be tabled. This comes from the Robert's Rules of
Order and is a technique used by groups to hold more efficient and
organized meetings. It works in a relationship too.
When you reach a point where the issue is too unclear, facts are missing,
emotions are too high... table it. This means putting it off for a short
time, ranging from 20 minutes so each of you can cool off, to 40 minutes
so you can check your facts, or even to a day so you both get a night to
"sleep on it," a chance to discuss it with a friend, or even simply take time
to think it over carefully yourself.
If you retreat to cool off, it is important to have "safe spaces" where each
of you can go to be alone. Don't expect to be able to cool off when you
are both in the same room together.
Sometimes, sleeping on the couch puts things in perspective too, and
helps you remember how much more important happiness is than scoring
a point, or "winning" in an argument.
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Stick to the Topic |
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Don't "kitchen sink" issues. Stick to the topic and don't throw in every
other side issue you can think of.
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Understand Compromise |
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Compromising means giving up something you can do without in the
hopes of getting something you really want. Ideally, you ask your partner
what their "deal breakers" are, the things they simply must have in the
final solution, and then identify your own. See what you both agree on,
and start from there, rather than focusing on what you disagree on.
When haggling over the price of something, it's traditional to "low ball"
your first bid, offering roughly half of what you would be willing to pay,
while the merchant asks twice what he would be willing to accept. Do Not haggle with your partner to get a better "deal." "Bargain" with them as
honestly as possible, offering what you can and standing firm on what's
important to you. If you both do this, arguments will be resolved much
easier. Copied from the web.
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Respect Privacy |
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Many couples find that talking about issues to an objective friend is
helpful. That is, talking about issues to someone who is genuinely
concerned about you and your decisions, rather than a "cheering section"
that simply says "Yeah!" to everything you do, is helpful. However, don't
expect that your partner is going to want to socialize with your best friend
from work if you told your best friend at work everything about your most
recent argument. Likewise, telling all your family how unhappy you are is
not going to make your partner feel comfortable with them at holidays.
Pick someone to confide in that is not a mutual friend, and confide only in
them. Evaluate their opinions and feedback objectively, and be willing to
take responsibility for your actions and decisions on your own, and not
present them as the result of a friend's suggestion or opinion. |
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Learn How To Close an Argument |
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Learn how to close an argument that has just ended. Some people need a
hug after an argument to know that everything is still OK, while others
want to be left alone to cool off and reflect on things for a while.
Ask your partner which kind they are and consider which one you are. A
hug, kiss, or smile after a fight doesn't mean all problems are gone;
rather, it's a sign that you are still willing to work on them. Likewise,
retreating after an argument doesn't mean that the relationship is on the
rocks; rather; it may simply be time for both people to consider what
happened, and why, and how problems could be prevented in the future.
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Learn From Mistakes |
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The day after a tough argument is solved, ask your partner, "What's
something I could have done differently that might have made that
easier?" Try what they suggest if you can. At the very least, let them know you still love them. |
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