Book Review Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

Criticism ("What kind of person are you?")
It's not that it is wrong to complain about things you aren't happy about, but when you criticize, the other person hears the insult, not your point. If you complain, complain without criticizing. Women may be more likely to do this.

Defensiveness ("Well what about what you did?")
This only continues the argument; a better response is to take responsibility for something and admit what you could have done in the past or what you could do in the future better.

Contempt ("I may not be perfect, but I would never do something so horrible as what you did")
This kind of insult is especially hurtful, as it leaves a long-term resentment that comes back in other arguments and makes them worse too.

Stonewalling (shutting down and not responding to your partner)
Gottman notes this is associated with high physiological arousal (e.g., increased adrenalin, faster breathing, increased heart beat) and efforts to self-sooth with thoughts like "I can't believe she's saying this!"). Men are more likely to do this. Instead, stay calm, and if you find yourself breathing faster, take a 20-30 minute time out to give your body time to relax. Otherwise, nothing discussed will come to any conclusion, as the argument is so unpleasant to the Stonewaller that he (or she) will say or do anything to end the argument.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
Richard Niolon, Ph.D. 1/03

by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver	Gottman is a leading researcher in couples therapy. His book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, is based on thorough research. He busts some of the myths of marriage and divorce to provide, in plain English, what works and doesn't work in marriage. Based on his 25 years of research and observations of the "masters" and "disasters" of marriage, he can determine with over 85% accuracy which couples will stay married and which will divorce. He offers quizzes to help you see where you and your marriage stand, and provides explanations for why couples get stumped by some problems. His model includes communication skills, physiology, and relationship-building activities with basic instructions for what not to do, and more importantly, what to do, to have a happy marriage. For example, Gottman offers that there are four things you should not do; these four things are so bad, Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
		Criticism ("What kind of person are you?") It's not that it is wrong to complain about things you aren't happy about, but when you criticize, the other person hears the insult, not your point. If you complain, complain without criticizing. Women may be more likely to do this. Defensiveness ("Well what about what you did?") This only continues the argument; a better response is to take responsibility for something and admit what you could have done in the past or what you could do in the future better. Contempt ("I may not be perfect, but I would never do something so horrible as what you did") This kind of insult is especially hurtful, as it leaves a long-term resentment that comes back in other arguments and makes them worse too. Stonewalling (shutting down and not responding to your partner) Gottman notes this is associated with high physiological arousal (e.g., increased adrenalin, faster breathing, increased heart beat) and efforts to self-sooth with thoughts like "I can't believe she's saying this!"). Men are more likely to do this. Instead, stay calm, and if you find yourself breathing faster, take a 20-30 minute time out to give your body time to relax. Otherwise, nothing discussed will come to any conclusion, as the argument is so unpleasant to the Stonewaller that he (or she) will say or do anything to end the argument.