Links:
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McKay and his colleagues wrote The Divorce Book: A Practical and Compassionate Guide.
This is an excellent book, and in it they discuss in detail the steps of divorce, the dangers
at each step for the adults involved, and ways to cope.
Stages of Divorce
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Stage One - Separation Shock
After partners separate and have time away from each other, they may feel
numbed, panicked, or depressed, and may try to deny what has happened.
However, research supports that by the time most people reach this stage, the
end of their marriage is already close in sight and therapy can be of limited help.
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Stage Two - the Roller Coaster
During this period, feelings of despair, anger, self-pity or self-loathing, and
intense joy can occur. Separation from friends, reviewing what went wrong in the
marriage and how you were responsible for part of it, loneliness, and anger at the
ex-partner for their faults is common. Copied from the web.
McKay offers two chapters of practical tips and coping skills for making it through
this time, from tips on relaxation to cope with anxiety, to ways to avoid the
psychological traps of negative thinking and misguided behavior to cope with
depression and loneliness. They even include a quiz for you to take to see the
traps you might fall into.
Telling friends and Family
This stage also includes making the decision to divorce, and telling this to friends
and family. Disclosing to family is especially stressful, since family is so
important to us and we place considerable weight upon their reactions.
McKay and colleagues point out some of the traps this presents and discuss why
family members respond this way: |
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Thinking You are a Failure for Marrying Your Ex |
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One woman said her family wondered why she took so long to "see
him for the loser he is." This kind of response can make you feel
foolish, and as though they are dismissing all the work you did in
the marriage over the years |
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Feeling Disgraced and Ashamed for Divorcing Your Ex |
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"We were always so proud of you, but this...." This kind of
response can make you feel you've lost their respect and love, and
make a painful time more demoralizing |
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Dealing with Pressure to Reconcile |
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"He's the father of your children; give him a chance." Some people
report reversing their decisions when family responded this way,
and being more miserable for a longer period of time as a result Copied from the web. |
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Responding to Claims You are Irresponsible or Selfish |
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"What has happiness got to do with it? You owe [your children] a
father and a home." This can provoke serious hurt and self-doubt,
and lead you to deny your needs and lose the resolve you need to
get you through the changes divorce entails |
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Coping with the Family's Reaction to Loss and Feelings of Guilt |
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Some parents blame themselves for setting a bad example for
marriage, for perceived failures as a parent, etc... and turn your
need for support into their own need for reassurance |
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Inquisition and Invasive Advice |
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Some parents and family members may want to know far more
about your marriage, sex life, and emotional needs than you feel
comfortable discussing. Others offer intrusive and simplistic advice
about what you should or could have done, and blame you for the
divorce Copied from the web. |
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Suffocating Sympathy |
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Some families respond with overwhelming support to the point that
grieving, making sense of what has happened, and recovering your
identity and independence is more difficult with their help than
without it |
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McKay and colleagues also discuss why families respond this way: |
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 Some family members stayed in an unhappy marriage and secretly are
angry with you for not sharing in their misery. Discussing your reasoning
with them is likely to bring up thoughts, feelings, and memories that they
would rather keep buried and forgotten. Focusing on your choices, staying
clear of theirs, and discussing some of the difficulties that divorce,
coparenting after divorce, and the family will face may help
Some family members idealize the family and needed you to do this with
them. They don't consider personal unhappiness. You might try focusing
on the harm done to the children by staying together and being miserable,
fighting, and leading tense, unhappy, and unproductive lives
Some family members struggled as you did and did make it through; they
may think any problem can be solved, based on their experience, and
suggest you "hang in there" and "stick it out". You might explain that
problems are deeper and more long-standing than they may appear. You
have made efforts to work it out, but they have failed, and it's time to "call
it quits" or "quit while you're ahead" and can still think calmly and
rationally about it
Some family members didn't like you before and now have an obvious
reason to express it
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They suggest maintaining your privacy unless you feel support from a family or
friend, staying out of their conflict over the issue, avoiding requests for family
and friends to take sides, keeping their fears and disapproval out of your decision
making, and refraining from requests for support from disapproving and unkind
kin.
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Stage Three - Identity Work
After a divorce, people commonly begin to work on a renewed and redefined
sense of who they are, what they enjoy, and what they are capable of doing.
Part of the work during this time requires working through being "the Leaver" or
"the Left" after the divorce, and dealing with the guilt, anger, and self-reproach
we tend to feel. McKay and colleagues cover working through the grief this
causes in a chapter of it's own. Copied from the web.
Sometimes in my work with clients I've conceptualized the feelings during this
time this way: During the marriage, often a partner made sacrifices, denied
feelings and desires, and ignored "internal warning signs" of serious problems.
While in the long run this hurt them, in the short run it may have helped. Making
demands you knew would not be met, focusing on things you knew you could not
get, and focusing on doubts and reservations about the marriage would have
made day to day life almost impossible. Many people deny these issues simply to
get through the day, work effectively, and find some moments of happiness in
their lives.
Often the pain and loneliness during this post-divorce period is more intense due
to a "whiplash effect." Painful feelings, when denied, become more painful, and
when finally acknowledged, are more distressing and difficult to live through.
I encourage people to admit that they have not been happy for a while, and that
they have suffered for a while. Only now, when they are aware of this and can
acknowledge all their feelings, can they begin to grieve, heal old hurts, and move
on.
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Stage Four - the Recentered Self
After the roller coaster of emotions and rediscovering who you are, a calmer
sense of self emerges. New ideas about relationships, life, needs, and wants are
common. You may seek out new romantic relationships, avoid ones that are too
intense, or take up new hobbies and interests. This is normal and you should
enjoy this time in your life.
While it is hard to foresee this while in the midst of the previous three stages,
this period of recovery and beginning anew can and usually does come after
working through the painful previous steps.
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Getting Your Needs Met
Getting your needs met during this time can be very hard. Several tips are worth noting:
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McKay and Colleagues suggest the following: |
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1) ask for what you need in clear and specific terms - if you need
babysitting, ask for it
2) appreciate the help you get - a thank you note is a good follow-up for
your mom when she picked the kids up when you worked late Copied from the web.
3) when you move, consider living nearer your family and friends, but talk
openly with them first about the move and make sure they are able and
willing to provide the kind and amount of support you want
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When Divorce Is Inevitable